Mastering Choice Making: How to Shift from Deciding to Discerning
Life is filled with choices, from small decisions about what to eat to major life-changing decisions about where to live or what career path to pursue. But what if the way we make decisions needs a shift—moving away from the pressure of making the “right decision” and instead adopting a more fluid, discernment-based approach? In a world where we’re often bombarded with messages about achieving external success to feel better inside, it’s essential to recognize that the external and internal worlds are deeply interconnected. True transformation occurs not when we simply change the outside world, but when we learn how to discern and navigate the internal responses that arise from those external experiences.
This shift from deciding to discerning may sound subtle, but it can make all the difference in how we experience and move through life’s challenges. Instead of chasing the perfect choice, we learn to embrace the fluidity of life, making choices with a sense of awareness and alignment that feels true to who we are. Let’s explore how you can adopt this approach in your own life.
The Challenge of “Trying to Change the Outside to Change the Inside”
We’ve all heard the phrase, “If I just change this or that, then I’ll feel better.” It’s often echoed in popular culture or self-help messages. Similarly, the concept of “there’s no geographic cure” from 12-step programs emphasizes that moving locations or altering external circumstances won’t necessarily bring the internal peace or change we expect. However, while internal growth is important, it’s crucial to recognize that our external world does impact our internal world. What’s happening outside of us does influence our feelings, perceptions, and experiences.
We are open systems, meaning we are constantly interacting with our environment, and those interactions shape us. External circumstances—whether it’s a new home, a job change, or a new relationship—inevitably influence how we feel and react. But here’s the key: it’s not about avoiding external change or seeing it as the “magic bullet” for internal happiness. Rather, it’s about recognizing how external changes affect us and learning to master our internal responses to them.
Moving From Deciding to Discerning
When we move from deciding to discerning, we begin to approach choices in a more holistic, mindful way. Deciding is often a mental game—calculating options, weighing pros and cons, and expecting an end point of certainty and stability. But real life doesn’t work that way. Change is constant, and life is rarely about arriving at an ideal, “perfect” destination.
Take my recent move from Florida back to California, for example. I decided to keep my Florida home while I explored California again, knowing that it wouldn’t be a “perfect fix.” But the process of living in California, of exploring the reality of actually living in a place I missed, has led to a surprising sense of calm and inner settling. In Florida, my home was a sanctuary, surrounded by great neighbors and close to warm waters, but something was missing. California, however, feels different—it’s an emotional experience I couldn’t have predicted.
This is where the power of discernment comes in. Instead of rushing into a decision about whether to sell my Florida home, I’m giving myself space to live through the experience. I’m letting myself feel into what’s right for me now. There’s no rush. Discerning isn’t about making the “right decision” immediately—it’s about exploring and feeling the choices as they unfold.
The Art of Discernment: Tips for Making More Aligned Choices
Discerning choices isn’t about making the perfect decision every time. Instead, it’s about understanding that every decision has both positive and negative consequences and choosing the option that feels most aligned with your current needs and values. Here are some tips to help you approach your decision-making process with discernment:
- Notice Your Body’s Response: When you consider a choice, take a moment to imagine what that option might look like. How does your body feel? Does your energy expand or contract? Pay attention to the physical sensations you experience as they can give you valuable insight into what resonates with you.
- Create a Simple Evaluation System: You don’t need a complex system to evaluate your options. Something simple, like a “thumbs up/thumbs down” or a “red, green, yellow light” system, can quickly give you feedback on how you feel about a decision.
- Release the Idea of Perfection: There is no perfect choice. Every decision you make will have ramifications, some of which may be difficult. Let go of the need for perfection and embrace the idea that all choices lead to growth.
- Weigh the Pluses and Minuses: Take time to list the pros and cons of each choice (and how it would feel to skip them too). Visualizing these aspects can help you feel through the different options and understand the long-term impacts.
- Embrace Pain and Growth: Not every decision will be easy. Some choices will involve pain, sacrifice, or challenges. But pain often leads to growth. If you approach challenges as opportunities to learn and grow, they become less daunting and more empowering.
- Balance Facts and Feelings: Discernment involves both logic and emotion. Gather the facts you need to make an informed decision, but also pay attention to how those facts feel in your body. Your intuition is just as important as the data you collect.
The Power of Discernment in Your Life
Adopting a discernment-based approach to decision-making allows you to live in alignment with your true self. It encourages a mindset that is flexible, adaptable, and open to learning from every experience. When you choose to live through your choices rather than rush to “decide,” you create space for growth, understanding, and fulfillment.
By mastering the art of discernment, you’ll feel more grounded, empowered, and at peace with the choices you make. Life isn’t about arriving at the perfect destination; it’s about learning to navigate the journey with intention and clarity.
